Longing for a baby 

As I sit on the couch tonight watching now a little Disney film Pocahontas. I remember this was my favourite.. Well second favourite Lion King is still my number one, film when I was a child. 

Then I felt a dull but sharp set of cramps in my stomach the dreaded red road river is due in a week, with aching breasts, sore joints and cramps starting I sit and wonder how I would feel if these were symptoms of me being pregnant. Of course I am not, but what if one day I could be. 

I have had a very strong feeling for a few weeks now, that feeling of wanting to be a mother to a perfect little bundle of joy. That baby smell that I love, there tiny fingers and toes. I am longing for a baby.

I feel guilty though as I am so mentally unwell how could I bring a child into this world, but I want to do good, I want to show my baby all the love in his/her life that my mother never showed me, I would never let anyone hurt them, they would be my precious star. 

My mind works in horrible ways and I was reminded of my 2 miscarriages I had, the one I had at 18 and I didn’t even know I had been pregnant or even had a miscarriage till I was in hospital. Then the early miscarriage I had in July last year. I panic and worry what if it happened again. 

I don’t know if I have just got to that age (26) where your body and brain starts making you want a child. My family keep saying they are so suprised why I haven’t had a child yet and I feel a sort of pressure from them as they say things like “you haven’t even had one yet” “your going to be an older first time mum” 

But I do know that I do want a child, I want to be the best mum I can ever be. 

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Is it so wrong to crave affection…

Affection it’s a fundamental part of being in a relationship is it not? 

Without Affection in a relationship, what does it make it? Does it make it just a friendship? But even then you can show appropriate affection in a friendship can’t you? 

Does it make it a cleaner, cook and slave role with the maybe added Benefit of a quick peck on the lips and a love you. “I love you” those three words, those three words that seem to be chucked around a lot and a lot of the time mean jack shit and just seem to be common phrase that is chucked around even if there not really meant.

Like when I cheating husband says it to his wife, while he leave to go to a “business meeting” when he is really having an affair with his secretary.

I love you means nothing to me! Unless you can show me you love me the words there selves mean nothing. I have through the years had many people say they love me, then they hurt me, I have had my rapists say I love you while they rape me! Mr C told me he loved me but again destroyed my life when I was 14 years old and contributed to the lovely mess I find myself in now in the deep dark depths of PTSD. 

My boyfriend tells me he loves me, but doesn’t show it. Instead all I feel is that I am just something that stays with him sometimes who does everything he wants so he doesn’t have to do much. 

There is no cuddles anymore, there’s no cuddled up to a movie and being close and warm together. Everytime I ask for a cuddle he says no or if I try to give him a cuddle or nestle into him he always has some excuse “my stomach hurts, I’m busy, your hurting me” or the best one your annoying me fuck off!

Kisses now consist of a peck on the lips before he goes to work and a peck on the lips when he comes in from work. But when I try to kiss him it’s the same excuse of the cuddles.

We don’t do anything together he works , he comes home, he shits, he eats, he falls asleep and sometimes he says we are going out for a drive. Which usually consists on driving to town and meeting his friends, who all then stand on the street for hours in the freezing cold. 

Usually if he falls asleep by the time he wakes up its usually time for me to go to bed as I try and go to bed early to attempt to sleep.

There’s no interaction, he sits on his phone, doesn’t engage in conversation. Then moans at me or says to me “your always on that fucking phone” 

I actually got to the point last night where I replied and said “well you have sat on your phone from the minute you have came in tonight, I haven’t had a kiss and you have barely spoke to me, so what am I ment to do” 

What am I ment to do though? 

I can’t go out by myself a lot especially to meet friends, as I have bad panic attacks.

So I talk to my offline and online friends online, just to try and keep some sort of social functioning. 

So what happens when your amazing supporting boyfriend, no longer seems to care, no longer seems to want to communicate, no longer seems to want to do things with you. Who doesn’t want to touch you or let you touch them

What have I done? Is there something wrong with me, does he not find me attractive anymore, had he found someone else, has he realised I’m to mentally fucked up.

All these thoughts going around in my head I don’t know what to think.

I think he wants the single life or he forget he is not single. I asked him if he was working next weekend as I really want to go to the zoo before the cold weather comes in. I was met with “yeah I’m working then Sunday I’m helping my pals” 

So I’m basically not going to see him all week except when he does his usual  routine after work then I’m not going to see him or get to spend anytime with him over the weekend. 

Am I in the wrong here am I making issues out of nothing.

I’m screaming inside just give me some attention show me you love me. 

Do you not understand how I’ll I am how I need someone to be there for me! 

I have a horrible feeling that this is now going to come to and end, but at the end of the day if that was to happen id rather be alone and hurting than be with some who adds to that hurt.


Bye daddy no support 

As I lie in bed, door closed hiding from my OH, my dissociation taking total control over me, my face feeling stained and itchy from so many tears, my teeth sore after so much clenching in anger.
As I lie here and realise I will need to say goodbye to my dad again for the second time, the second time that he will be in prison, the second time that he will be missing from a huge chunk of my life.

Because the mental health system failed my dad because they caused him so much stress, because they didn’t help him. He lost it, he lost it he couldn’t control his rage, he drank and drank and took pills and drank some more. He was walking home from his auntys funeral and some teenagers started on him saw he was vulnerable and stamped on his head, kicked and smashed him into the ground all 7 of them. 

He did what any mental I’ll person would do he did what someone in the wrong frame of mind would do he got up went to his house grabbed a large knife and went after them. If only I had stayed on the phone with him if only I took the abuse he gave me but tried to calm him down, if only I just took it as real threats and not empty ones like times before. If only.

Daddy you were arrested last night after running into the street with a knife threatening to kill people and waving knife around. The police were called you flung the knife and ran. You were caught and resisted arrest. Your knife was found. Daddy you were at court today and remanded to prison you are now looking at 6 years 😦 

Again another 6 years of not having my dad.. By the time you get out I will be nearly mid 30s. 

My OH doesn’t understand he says its all your fault he doesn’t understand why I’m upset, he’s not supporting me, he’s undermining everything I say, he’s been nasty, ugly, evil.

I asked him to show me a little bit of sympathy a bit of compassion. But he says why should he. He’s hurt me so much. 

What do I do ?? 

Insecurities, Suspicion, Paranoia

So. I have been having a difficult time with my OH recently. Me and my ex fiance of 6 years after we split did not speak for about 8 months. Until the anniversary of his dear mothers passing came around. I was a sort of carer for his mother in her final months and was there when she passed etc. So I sent a little test that day saying I would light a candle for his mother and say a little prayer and hope he is ok my thoughts are with him and his sister.

After this we started talking again, Now I was still single by choice he was not, He was not with the woman that there was suspicions he cheated on me with. We remained friends and really good friends at that. I realised he was much better as a good mate than a boyfriend, fiance, husband what ever and I was cool with that.

Fast forward a few months, I got together with my now OH I was straight up at the start of the relationship and said Im still good friends with my ex. My OH and my ex know each other. There never seemed to be an issue with this.

Then the digs and the comments started, The constant questioning if “My ex had text or phoned me today” I have always been honest and would tell him every-time. Even when my hamster died, my ex contacted me and said come round and say goodbye. My OH took me there so I could say goodbye. As I walked out the house and back to the car tears streaming down my face ( I know some people will say its just a hamster but she was amazing and stayed with my ex after the split) first question he asked was did he (my ex) cuddle me.

This argument has been going on for weeks now, constantly asking me if we have spoke and everything else etc. Then start of the week came the crunch. OH pipes up in the car without any warning going did your ex phone you while you were away visiting family. I said no why?? He then proceeded to accuse me of phoning my ex every time I was visiting family back home etc etc.

I just wanted to scream at him call him a jealous, controlling bastard!!! Scream at him asking if he was ever going to trust me. But I didn’t, I held it in.

I spent 6 years in a relationship where I was controlled, put down, emotionally abused, blackmailed and made to feel dirty and worthless.

I do not want to go down that route again.

But…..

Now I feel like the nutter, My OH came in from work tonight at 6pm and said I am going out again in 20 minutes to go see a job 30 miles away. Now my brain went go see a job at this time of night on a friday?? I asked what kind of job it was and he said something to do with an outside light for some girl he knew.

So obviously the alarm bells in my head went off and I was in my mind going your cheating on me your away to sleep with some girl, but making out your working etc. Well not working but going to look at a job.

Now my OH is well known and known for being a slut, So this does not help my mind. It is now just after 9pm and he is still not back he left at 6.30pm.

Trying to see logical-ness and not suspicious-ness 😦

I am….. for a better life.

In the depths of PTSD aswell as many other stuff, I find myself trying to make my life a little better. I  need to try and keep going, keep working as hard as I can to make a better life for myself.

I have started my therapy with a lovely therapist and im hoping this will open the doors for me to become me again. I am waiting to here back from a few houses I have been looking at. I want a new house, A fresh space somewhere to properly call home.

I am looking at starting working for myself and trying to draw up a business plan, I am waiting patiently for my compensation to come through so I can go away for a little while with my OH somewhere nice to try and de stress.

I am trying to curb my moods, curb my hurt and anxiety about my OH so that things can be good. So that we can just be happy.

I am trying to have a better life, I need a better life, I need my life back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

better-life

Mr C you will always be part of my life I accept that now. 

The funny thing about PTSD is it never goes away.. Well it’s not funny it’s fucking horrendous and I don’t want it.. 

It may subside, it may go away for a long time but it can always pop up again. At the moment I am in the depths of PTSD all day everyday some days are better than others. 

Mr C, images of you flash up in my brain, what you did flashes up in my brain. Which of course makes my body dissociate so I can’t feel it. During sex your face appears in front of me. I know I’m having sex with my boyfriend but for some reason when he is touching me all I see is you. 

I would never tell my boyfriend this, how would that make him feel?? Would he still want me if I told him that. 

Any time I am outside and I see white hair, a blue open shirt, a man with hair showing from an unbuttoned shirt. I freak out I think it’s you. I know it’s not you, I know your in prison and you can’t get me anymore. 

I want you to leave, I want the memories of you to never comeback but I’m guessing now I just need to try and accept that you will always be part of my life. It’s something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life. 

I find it strange I really do, I have been raped so many times.. I can’t really tell how many as I haven’t counted but I never get flashbacks of them at all maybe once in I have but Does that make me weird, does that make me not normal because I don’t get flashbacks from them. 

Why do I get flashbacks for Mr C why him and not the others. It doesn’t make sense. Was it the age I was. All the rapes bar one was when I was 17 and over. You mr C was when I was 14/15 I don’t know if that makes a difference.

You were sent to Prison for a measly 6 years. It was some justice I guess, especially as there is so many people that never get justice but come on 6 years. But that might change?

It might change… I got an email from my Liason officer yesterday to say that the procurator fiscal has lodged an appeal to get your sentence extended.. Give you more time. That your sentence was not enough and they want more.

It’s a lengthy process… But maybe I and the other girls will get some proper justice in a way.